Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor : Boston, MA Divorce & Family Law Lawyer & Attorney : Nancy Van Tine : Burns & Levinson Law Firm

Hi there!

I recently received a question from a reader regarding narcissism and narcissistic partners.  I initially intended to reply to her privately, but as I thought about my response, I realized that there was enough "meat" here to share in a post to all.

Reader asks:

"Christie Brinkley seems to have been in the news a bit lately with her divorce. I have been struck by her comments on a narcissistic partner, and wonder since I think that is the case with my ex, how often it is that one spouse is a narcissist and what can be done to get through to one rationally. Is there any hope of co-parenting with a narcissist?  Any thoughts or comments on this celeb. case would be helpful. Thanks!"

My response:

Narcissists are very nasty people but charming too.  A lot of them end up in divorce because no one can worship them enough, and all the air is theirs, not their spouse's. 

No divorce lawyer should be without her copy of "DSM-IV" (aka Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition).  According to this "bible", written by the American Psychiatric Association, the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder is as follows:

"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance

2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions)

4) requires excessive admiration

5) has a sense of entitlement

6) is interpersonally exploitative

7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes"

The DSM-IV goes on to indicate that narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare ( "from 2%-16% in the clinical population and less than 1% in the general population" per DSM-IV).  I am sure lots of just plain selfish, non-empathetic people get classified as narcissistic, but it doesn't make them any easier to deal with in a co-parenting situation.  I think you are going to have to realize that only you will put your kids first.  I don't know if your divorce is over, nor do I know what the actual issues are; but I have found parental coordinators very useful, particularly when one parent is excessively difficult.

Additionally, here is the recent news on Christie Brinkley that sparked this interesting question.  

Best,

Nancy

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Hi There!

I can't believe October is almost over already!  The weeks are flying by.

The issue of trust is often a "hot potato" in divorce proceedings.  We have all heard that relationships that are based on lies are doomed, but still many (most?) married couples would likely admit to telling little fibs, or "white lies" to their spouses.  So does that mean that lying to your spouse is okay as long as it isn't a "big lie," or is a lie a lie no matter how big or small?  Daniel Clement's New York Divorce Blog addresses this issue in a recent post, "Lies: Good or Bad for a Marriage?"

In case you didn't know, the authors of the best selling book "Freakonomics" also have a blog by the same name.  A recent post had some interesting data on marriage(s) which caught my eye, and I thought I would share it with you.

The Balloon Boy story is still full of hot air (sorry couldn't help myself).

Best,

Nancy

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Hi there,

According to the New York Times, the highest court in New York will hear arguments on whether or not New York will honor marriages between gay and lesbian couples that are legal elsewhere.

I was taught in law school that the constitution requires states to give "full faith and credit" to the laws of other jurisdictions, such as marriage, adoptions, etc.  The federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) complicates the situation, as federal law trumps state law, so states have an argument available if they do not recognize gay marriages which are legal elsewhere, as legitimate.

As usual, Daniel Clement had a very good post on this as well.

Best,

Nancy

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Hi there,

Boy do the weeks go by fast!  It feels like I just did one of these yesterday.

I had a post here last week on how not to divorce using the Gosselin's embarrassing public saga as an example.  Apparently, I was not the only one who thought they were over the top. 

I am frequently asked what books on divorce I can recommend and embarrassingly, I really have no suggestions.  Some time ago a colleague sent me this post about suggested reads courtesy of Atty. Stephen McDonough's "The Divorce Collaborative" blog.  I have checked out the list of suggested books and they are indeed worth reading.

Simply because it really falls into the category of child neglect (abuse?), I have a link to a good story about last Friday's idiocy, aka the Balloon Boy saga, which now appears to have been a hoax.

And finally, yet another hoax.  This type is more common unfortunately.

Have a good week!

Best,
Nancy

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Hi there,

Social security law makes provisions for divorced spouses by allowing them to collect a portion of their former mate's social security benefits, provided they have been married more than ten years. This is terrific for both parties as it does not deduct the amount paid to the former spouse from the larger wage earner's payment.  In effect, a divorced couple jointly receives more than the same couple would, were they still married.

I became aware through Daniel Clement's New York Divorce blog (a super resource) of some very tragic circumstances which have caused some folks to divorce and then live together in order to maximize their benefits.

Now, call me cynical, but I bet this happens occasionally for not so tragic reasons as well.

Best,

Nancy

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Hi there,

One of the terrific things about being a blogger is I have an ironclad excuse for reading junky celebrity news. I will freely admit to happily reading all about the Gosselin's divorce for some months now and even commenting on it.

They, actually mostly Jon, have been providing object lessons in what not to do during a divorce:

First, do NOT indulge in very public displays of affection with your new flame. Your ex will be sure to hear about it and it will not make your life easier. Also, don't do it where your kids might see or hear about it . In Jon's case this was in all the junk mags in the grocery checkouts.

Second, do NOT violate court orders by withdrawing money from accounts that you are supposed to leave alone.

Third, do NOT bite off your nose to spite your face. Don't quit your job (or stop production of your TV series if you have one) just to hurt your ex. It will hurt you and your kids far, far more.

In short, try to behave like a civilized, adult human being.  Most divorced and divorcing folks manage to do so. The ones that don't end up with HUGE legal bills.

Best,

Nancy

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Hi There,

From taxes to Alec Baldwin giving advice on how to divorce  - this week's selection really is a very mixed bag.

My favorite tax blog had a funny post on how not to do your taxes.

I have watched Alec Baldwin's very public display of parental ineptitude with some amazement, but I was even more amazed to hear he had written a book on the topic.

Texas has a constitutional amendment which defines marriage as between one man and one woman but apparently if you are gay and married elsewhere you may be able to divorce in Texas. However Gideon Alper, another one of my favorite bloggers, had a more in depth analysis which is very interesting.

And since death is even more inevitable than divorce, I am including a link to a very informative piece on what to do when a family member dies.

Best,

Nancy

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Hi there,

As Massachusetts considers refining the law on alimony, the public commentary is huge.  It has made me think through exactly what I think about the current law and the proposed changes.  I have initially addressed this in the blog, as I recognize that making alimony payments (or not making them) is one of the truly hard and hot button issues in divorce.  There are both payers and payees who have been deeply hurt and aggrieved by the system.  Most of these individuals may well find this post unpalatable.  As I think about that, I am not sure anyone finds having to pay alimony a good thing.  It is however, often a necessary evil, and as an advocate if I represent the spouse who is paying, I try to get the amount and time frame as minimal as possible.   Alternatively, when I am the advocate for the recipient, I try to get the amount and time frame as broad as possible.  That is the joy of being a litigator - you get to argue both sides of every question, sometimes on the same day.

Joking aside, I firmly believe that setting parameters for judges to follow and then allowing them discretion is the fairest way to go.  Does this mean all will be treated fairly?  Of course not!  The risks of litigation, bad lawyering, bad judging, or just plain bad luck, are why I consistently recommend that litigants settle out of court. 

However, a rigid formulaic approach to alimony would result in far more examples of unfairness than the suggested reform, as approved by the Boston Bar Association.

The suggested reform does allow Judges the authority to set a time frame for the duration of alimony, which had not previously been the case.  If passed, this should have a salutary effect, both on the results of litigation and on the terms in agreements. 

Best,

Nancy

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