Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor : Massachusetts Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Nancy Van Tine : Burns & Levinson Law Firm : MA Divorce & Family Law : Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor

Hi there!

As I started trying to find my tablecloths for Thanksgiving (it's amazing what you lose when you move), I realized the holiday season was upon us and while I love this time personally, as a divorce lawyer it is both very hard and very busy.  This is the season where parents have to figure out how to share the kids over some of the most important family days of the year.  Thanksgiving, Hanukkah (I know that isn't the most important, but to the kids its up there) and Christmas.  If you are divorcing or divorced and haven't already handled this for this year, now is the time to work out the schedule with your ex.

Some folks, no matter how bitter, seem to be able to pull back and think of the children and each other; however, many (some years it feels like most) cannot do this.  The result is expensive, time consuming and often results in a total loss of parental choice when the judge ultimately has to make the decision.  As with any judicial, rather than parental decision, the result generally makes no one happy.  It is far better to handle this the way Daniel Clement suggested in his very thoughtful post last December on this topic. 

If you are stuck on what kind of schedule to use here are a couple of suggestions:

• For Thanksgiving folks often alternate the holiday through the weekend, or in the alternative split the day, with the parent who gets Thanksgiving dinner handing off to the parent who will have the weekend, and then that schedule can alternate as well;
• For Hanukkah, since there are multiple nights, folks often alternate the first and second nights;
• Christmas is the toughie.  A lot of parents feel little kids (who still believe in Santa) should find their presents under the tree at their primary address first thing in the morning.  This sometimes results in the non-custodial parent having the kids Christmas Eve Day until early evening, then getting the kids again sometime in the early afternoon on the 25th and having them overnight.  Once the children are older this arrangement often changes to an alternate Christmas Eve/Christmas Day split.  Some parents will trade the actual holiday itself for the entire post Christmas vacation. 

Think hard about what works for your kids, yourself and your ex.  Where are the extended families? Will someone have to travel?  And remember, no condition is permanent.  You can always alternate yearly.

Best,

Nancy

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks
• Share Link

Hi there,

One of the toughest things to watch as a divorce practitioner is parents putting kids in the middle of the parental war zone. Passing messages, engaging in passive aggressive behavior over visit times, and worst of all, letting kids see the divorce papers - the list of ways to hurt children is practically endless.  Parents who would never deliberately hurt their kids in the frenzy of the divorce put their children squarely in the middle. A colleague just sent me a terrific blog from Great Britain on how to handle children in a divorce.

Some parenting truths are universal.

Best,

Nancy

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks
• Share Link

Hi there,

Massachusetts has had mandated parent education for some years.  The course is titled "Understanding the Effect of Divorce on Children" and more information can be found here (PDF).

I have always thought it was a good idea, not everyone gets it, of course, but I think many do. Simple civility and how to keep the kids out of the middle are a great idea for divorcing parents.  A colleague sent me this article* which seems to indicate that these requirements have a beneficial effect.

I was also interested to see that the divorce rate is dropping.

Best,

Nancy

*UPDATED 11/30/09: Link removed as article now blocked from public viewing by the AP.

• Email This
• Print
• Comments
• Trackbacks
• Share Link

Hello there,

I find this to be a very interesting topic that everyone has a different opinion about and as I wrote this I realized what I was writing was different from my usual posts, but what the hell?!

I am sure one of the more difficult issues faced by a parent contemplating divorce is the effect of the divorce on the kids. I see many folks who are uncertain as to whether or not to stay in a pretty untenable situation simply because they want their children to be older and they think more able to accept before they divorce.

Through years of watching families, reading and observing children of friends, I am not so sure that this is so. I actually think the younger the kids are when the divorce happens (assuming the parents are civil and flexible about parenting) the easier it is for the kids to adapt. A 2 year old has very little difficulty where a 13 year old is at a developmental point where this can be much harder. I also think that a child in college may be more vulnerable than one who is around and in high school. And oddly enough I think that adult children have a very tough time, perhaps because they need to then rethink their childhood and possibly because parents tend to be more open with an adult child.

I would very much like to hear your comments and feedback on this post because as I said it is totally anecdotal and may be off base.

Best,
Nancy

• Email This
• Print
• Comments (2)
• Trackbacks
• Share Link