Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor : Massachusetts Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Nancy Van Tine : Burns & Levinson Law Firm : MA Divorce & Family Law : Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor

Hi there!

I recently received a question from a reader regarding narcissism and narcissistic partners.  I initially intended to reply to her privately, but as I thought about my response, I realized that there was enough "meat" here to share in a post to all.

Reader asks:

"Christie Brinkley seems to have been in the news a bit lately with her divorce. I have been struck by her comments on a narcissistic partner, and wonder since I think that is the case with my ex, how often it is that one spouse is a narcissist and what can be done to get through to one rationally. Is there any hope of co-parenting with a narcissist?  Any thoughts or comments on this celeb. case would be helpful. Thanks!"

My response:

Narcissists are very nasty people but charming too.  A lot of them end up in divorce because no one can worship them enough, and all the air is theirs, not their spouse's. 

No divorce lawyer should be without her copy of "DSM-IV" (aka Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition).  According to this "bible", written by the American Psychiatric Association, the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder is as follows:

"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance

2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions)

4) requires excessive admiration

5) has a sense of entitlement

6) is interpersonally exploitative

7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes"

The DSM-IV goes on to indicate that narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare ( "from 2%-16% in the clinical population and less than 1% in the general population" per DSM-IV).  I am sure lots of just plain selfish, non-empathetic people get classified as narcissistic, but it doesn't make them any easier to deal with in a co-parenting situation.  I think you are going to have to realize that only you will put your kids first.  I don't know if your divorce is over, nor do I know what the actual issues are; but I have found parental coordinators very useful, particularly when one parent is excessively difficult.

Additionally, here is the recent news on Christie Brinkley that sparked this interesting question.  

Best,

Nancy

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Hi there,

As Massachusetts considers refining the law on alimony, the public commentary is huge.  It has made me think through exactly what I think about the current law and the proposed changes.  I have initially addressed this in the blog, as I recognize that making alimony payments (or not making them) is one of the truly hard and hot button issues in divorce.  There are both payers and payees who have been deeply hurt and aggrieved by the system.  Most of these individuals may well find this post unpalatable.  As I think about that, I am not sure anyone finds having to pay alimony a good thing.  It is however, often a necessary evil, and as an advocate if I represent the spouse who is paying, I try to get the amount and time frame as minimal as possible.   Alternatively, when I am the advocate for the recipient, I try to get the amount and time frame as broad as possible.  That is the joy of being a litigator - you get to argue both sides of every question, sometimes on the same day.

Joking aside, I firmly believe that setting parameters for judges to follow and then allowing them discretion is the fairest way to go.  Does this mean all will be treated fairly?  Of course not!  The risks of litigation, bad lawyering, bad judging, or just plain bad luck, are why I consistently recommend that litigants settle out of court. 

However, a rigid formulaic approach to alimony would result in far more examples of unfairness than the suggested reform, as approved by the Boston Bar Association.

The suggested reform does allow Judges the authority to set a time frame for the duration of alimony, which had not previously been the case.  If passed, this should have a salutary effect, both on the results of litigation and on the terms in agreements. 

Best,

Nancy

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Hi there,

Massachusetts has had mandated parent education for some years.  The course is titled "Understanding the Effect of Divorce on Children" and more information can be found here (PDF).

I have always thought it was a good idea, not everyone gets it, of course, but I think many do. Simple civility and how to keep the kids out of the middle are a great idea for divorcing parents.  A colleague sent me this article* which seems to indicate that these requirements have a beneficial effect.

I was also interested to see that the divorce rate is dropping.

Best,

Nancy

*UPDATED 11/30/09: Link removed as article now blocked from public viewing by the AP.

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Hi There,

When parents cannot communicate or agree after a divorce a parent coordinator is sometime used to help resolve matters. There's a very interesting article in this week's issue of Massachusetts Lawyer's Weekly which gives a much more in- depth presentation. if you are involved in any custody or disputed parenting actions you might want to read it.

There is a dispute among divorce practitioners as to the utility of parent coordinators.  A few extremely good divorce litigators  refuse to use parent coordinators at all. I happen to think that in the right circumstances and with the right parent coordinator they can be invaluable. No matter how much a parent coordinator charges, it will be less than the costs of litigation. I also think there is a true psychological benefit to the kids to keeping their parents out of court.  

May you never need a parent coordinator.

Best,

Nancy

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